Tag: letter

Still I Write

We had broken up.

No contact; because talking would pull us back into the cycles of anger, offense, and defense.

I wrote to you; scribbling urgently on pages until I couldn’t see through the tears that made the dark ink bleed. To soothe my heart, I had committed to writing a letter every time I missed you. Every time I wanted to say something to you, I would say it on paper. After all, I did not need for you to hear or receive it. I simply needed to have shared it.

Several weeks and a full notebook later, I had accumulated a hefty stack of personal confessions, hopes, odes, and prayers. My strategy was working well enough.

And then, for whatever reason… perhaps in my naivety, I sought your acknowledgement of my feelings… I gave you those letters. In between awkward platitudes and under a sky that seemed to hang lower than usual, I handed over to you the thick envelope of my heart.

Something inside me died when I learned that you threw it away. The risk had not even occurred to me. I thought I might never write again. What you did was sacrilegious, it was final, and it was necessary.

In the wrong hands, the depth of my vulnerability is no different from used toilet paper and rotting produce.

Now I write, not to grieve, but to survive.

-Lele M

Psalm 137:5-6

If I ever forget you…

Photo by Jonathan Borba on Pexels.com

There’s a chance you will read this, and although it frightens me, a part of me is hoping you do. A larger part of me than I care to admit. If you do, if you are – yes, I’m loving through letters again. I can’t help myself.

We reflected on our relationship one day. We were both taking accountability for our influence on the course of our relationship, which is standard practice in these reflections. Until I reached an epiphany of the adage “all’s fair in love and war”. I’d always understood how all’s fair in war. But how could all be fair in love? How were love and war alike? 

The answer came to me in that conversation. We weren’t just reflecting on ourselves. We’d taken the time to understand, and contend with, the other’s perspective and feelings. In that, we’d found the silent pleas we’d missed in our emotional stupor – pleas for affection, protection, support, peace, and patience. We found out just how much we differ in our thought despite similarity in our needs.

Consider this; we both believe we’re fighting on the right side. We’re both convicted enough to pursue it ‘by any means necessary’ – such that we can justify causing harm in pursuit of what we believe is right. One cannot tally the rights and wrongs in a relationship to determine a score for each partner.

By the end, I realised we’d both been both right and wrong (often at the same time) too often for it to matter. And that’s the nature of being in a relationship, as it is with war. All is indeed fair in love.

I hadn’t understood this until I realised how much we’d been through together. How much we’d put each other through. How much of it was avoidable, and how much of it was not.

I have loved loving you, being loved by you, and loving with you. Some of my best memories are with you. We’ve also been through the wire – serious character building stuff. From everything we’ve had to learn, to everything we’ve had to forgive, we’ve both grown tremendously. I’m proud of us.

We’ve done well, you and I. We make a monster team.

– Lele M