Tag: Self-reflection

Being Home

II

It is one thing to move into your own space, apartment, or house. It is quite another to make that space a home. What is the distinction?

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I am on a journey to make my apartment a home. In my previous blogpost, I wrote about home being more than just a physical space. I reflected on the way in which home (as a place where one lives permanently) includes one’s mental latitude and, more fundamentally, the presence of God. Here, though, I address my experience with the material details of homemaking.

A home requires several practical components; lighting, heating, seating, refrigeration, etc. One seldom contemplates these practical demands when fantasizing about moving out and living on their own. This is the unalluring facet of not just homemaking, but growing up – adulting, as they say.

For the first time, I am actually contending with the price of a stove, fridge, microwave, sofa, and other articles of furniture. And boy is there plenty with which to contend! Even electricity, water, and refuse are primary considerations for maintaining a home. I don’t believe anything could have prepared me for the fiscal task of transforming my space into my home – my sanctuary.

This has been a proper test of my character. I have had to employ a range of competencies to navigate this journey – such as planning, focus, self-control, awareness, and flexibility. I am learning that homemaking and life-management are concomitant. Both require aptitude in managing time, managing money, communicating with others, maintaining one’s environment, healthcare and self-care, stress management, building personal relationships, and setting healthy boundaries.

Sometimes I feel overwhelmed and frustrated by the undertaking, other times I feel ineffective and helpless. At all times I am grateful. Thank God that my help cometh from the Lord. Thank God that my life was never mine to manage nor my home mine to make.

– Lele M

This House Believes in Being Equally Yoked

‘Do not be yoked together with unbelievers. For what do righteousness and wickedness have in common? Or what fellowship can light have with darkness?’

2 Corinthians 6:14

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Since I came to Christ it has been easier for me to accept Him as Saviour, than it has been to accept Him as Lord. Not only because obedience doesn’t come easily to me (I am yet to meet the person to whom obedience does in fact come easily). The difficulty with accepting Jesus as Lord over my life is largely because of the dictates and principles to which I am required to comply. Paul authored one such principle in the verse above.

Paul recognised that the divided loyalties of some believers in the church of Corinth was negatively impacting their close Christian communion, causing a serious spiritual disconnection between them. And so he warned of the dangers this behaviour had on their spiritual growth.

Although Paul was not implying that the Christian must be completely isolated from unbelievers, the principle is a challenging one – any relationship that hinders or prohibits a developing relationship to the Lord is better terminated, even before it begins to develop.

Prayer

Heavenly Father, thank You that I am Your child and have been made a new creation in Christ. Help me to choose my friends and acquaintances wisely. Direct me, I pray, in the choices I make with regard to the close, personal relationships that I choose to engage in, and may all I say and do be to Your praise and glory. In Jesus’ name, Amen.

– Lele M

https://biblia.com/bible/niv/2-corinthians/6/14

https://dailyverse.knowing-jesus.com/2-corinthians-6-14

Being Home

I

I moved into a new place recently. It is a small cottage in a lovely, quiet suburb. It is easily the most beautiful and peaceful place I’ve had to learn to call home.

I’ve always regarded myself as a homebody. Not only am I an introvert, I prefer to stay indoors. I don’t just want to be alone, I want to be alone at home. I have been through seasons when I never wanted to leave the house because I was uncomfortable being in public and socializing. There have been two such periods which I can recall – once during my teens, and again coming into my twenties. Both these periods lasted about two years.

During these times I would leave the house only when it was absolutely essential. I would be irked even by those tasks which were indeed imperative and required that I step out of my comfort zone. Home was my safe space. I did not necessarily love and enjoy being in the space I called ‘home’, I simply preferred it because it was where I could be on my own, and embrace my reclusive state. This distinction will become important later.

On the other hand, I have been through other seasons during which I felt a deep discomfort being home such that I would look for reasons to stay away. These didn’t even have to be good reasons; any would do. Whether it was being out with friends, at school doing extracurricular activities, visiting relatives – I would be eager to leave the house, and I would dread returning. When I was home, I would itch for reasons to leave again.

Fascinatingly, the reason behind this strong aversion was the same reason that I had, at other times, preferred to stay in; being at home meant being on my own. Though during these times the mere thought made me uneasy. I was uncomfortable with my own thoughts. And after a while of running from my thoughts incessantly, there was the added and overwhelming deterrent that they had become unfamiliar to me. I simply didn’t know how to be with and handle my thoughts – my own stillness was foreign to me. These seasons, too, have occurred more than once in my life, and also spanned an approximate duration of two years.

However, for as long as I can remember, I have never had the experience of loving my home and loving being home. I have never had a healthy relationship with my home. Whether it was my childhood home or a university residence, I viewed these spaces in one of two ways.

I viewed home either as nothing more than a desperate hiding place, akin to how an addict views their drug of dependence – no longer using for the euphoria it may induce, but for fear of being sober. A mere lesser evil.

Alternatively, I viewed home as my demons’ lair, a den of terror to be avoided my any means necessary. It was a place where my thoughts would be forced into the light of silence and solitude, a place which threatened to expose the dark corners in my mind into which I was not yet ready to venture.

When I fell in love with God, my perspective on home changed drastically, such that I’ve discovered that I am a homemaker at heart. Imagine that! I don’t just love homemaking, I delight in it. It actually brings me joy.

I take pleasure and pride in creating a clean and peaceful environment for myself and others. I find fulfillment in tasks such as cleaning, cooking, baking, and decorating in the home. I love to fill the space with lovely aromas, whether through gentle scented candles, a pot of savoury stew on the stove, or freshly baked chocolate brownies cooling on the kitchen counter. I love to set the atmosphere with beautiful flowers, pictures, and furniture.

Along with this revelation of myself, I came to realize that this is the healthy middle I had never known and never experienced – this ‘loving being home’, and also ‘enjoying being out of the home’ was strange.

After all, I’ve learned, it is on my afternoon walks when I take in my surroundings that I realize how much I appreciate nature and flowers in particular. I stop to smell their petals and stroke their leaves. These experiences of mindfulness in my outdoor natural surroundings, bring me to want and appreciate flowers in my domestic space. Being outdoors helps me to appreciate my time indoors even more, and inspires me to make my home the perfect sanctuary for me.

I am ultimately finding that homemaking requires me to be comfortable both in my home and outside my home. Don’t get me wrong, although all things are possible through God, I’ll probably always be an introvert. Even outdoors, I’ll likely always prefer the spaces that are least populated.

Though despite my personality and disposition, I am learning to feel at home regardless of where I am. I am learning that God is my true home, and He is always with me. Home is always with me. I am always home.

– Lele M

Mine, Faithfully

A year ago I had a dream of living in my own space, where I could venture a deeper intimacy with God, live in submission to his will, and enjoy the still and constant companionship of the Holy Spirit.

I write this piece in the half-empty apartment which has been my modest home for a month already. I write to declare that God is faithful.

I am humbled to think back at how God moved the pieces throughout 2021 and took charge of my situation to do exactly what he said he would do. The people he put in my life which have become key features of this season – leaders, helpers, counsel.

For the first time in my life, perhaps because it’s the first time I’ve paid attention, I can feel God loving me through the people in my life. I can hear his voice and feel his hand in the peculiar encounters on my way to work, at the office, while running errands. What a glorious grace.

Thank God for the grace to recognise his presence in my life. Otherwise, I would conclude (in my flesh) that I am simply not doing enough to be sensitive to his move. In my unwitting hubris and attachment to outcomes I would deduce that I needed to pray more, fast more, etc. That somehow God’s move was up to my behaviour.

I give thanks for reminders that humble me, gentle reminders that the course of my life is decidedly out of my control. God is God in spite of my conduct.

I am, however, currently undergoing a ‘spiritual reset’ – an endeavour to fortify spiritual disciplines such as prayer, fasting, and studying. I am reverting to the tone of my spiritual life this time a year ago. I am returning to strict adherence to spiritual disciplines in my routine.

I am yearning for a closeness, a clarity, and a peace which I can only find in Jehovah. I am looking to abide, intentionally. For no other reason than that he has been who he has been. He has been consistently reliable. And I only have to open my eyes each morning to see it.

I am, quite literally, living in the abundance of his faithfulness. Glory be to the Sovereign God.

– Lele M

In the Presence of my Enemies

I once wondered how one takes a seat at the table God sets before her enemies. I have been meditating on that question for months. I’m writing to report I may have stumbled upon something.

Psalm 23:5

‘You prepare a table before me in the presence of my enemies. You anoint my head with oil; my cup overflows.’

When one takes her seat at the table God sets before her enemies, she does so with humility.

She recognises that God as the guest of honour. That the banquet is in honour of he who made it possible.

She resists the urge to make it about her right to vengeance, or even to justice.

She is aware it isn’t about her at all. She is merely a conduit.

She makes herself the smallest in the room. She amplifies the presence of God instead.

She inspires a sensitivity to the move of God.

She walks, talks, and plays as though the Ancient of Days were with her at all times.

Because he is.

Emmanuel.

What is “salvation” in culture-speak?

I often feel like I am not enough; not doing enough, moving fast enough, pushing hard enough, praying long enough, worshipping often enough. I have this sentiment in common with most (if not all) the people in the world – past and present.

Isaiah 50:7

Because the Sovereign Lord helps me, I will not be disgraced.
Therefore have I set my face like flint, and I know I will not be put to shame.

It is no wonder then, that popular culture is filled with “self-love” and “you are enough” sloganeering. There is self-help, self-improvement, self-love, and self-affirmation propaganda at every turn. The prevailing presumption seems to be that man is perfectable, and can indeed perfect himself. Ironically, according to culture, the problem can become its own solution. There is no concept of the answer lying outside the self. In fact, “salvation” is a word almost exclusively used in a religious context. Why is that?

I was challenged recently, during a discussion about the four chapter gospel – ‘the fall’, in particular. I was asked to recall an instance when I most felt the effects of sin and the fall. In my chronically overthinking nature, I did not offer an answer because I thought the one I had would come across as flippant and inadequate. Instead, I dove into the deep waters of thought rising steadily to drown out the conversation. So finally I attend to that question here. When have I most felt the effects of sin and the fall? After salvation.

I once heard a pastor remark that if you’re not enjoying sin, you’re doing it wrong. He was speaking about the conviction believers feel when they sin, when they fall short of righteousness. One who does not believe in God and living according to His word is not susceptible to conviction about partaking in sinful behaviour the way a Christian may be.

Indeed the unbeliever does not view their behaviour as sinful at all. They do not accept the Christian standard, thus the question of whether they transgress the bounds of said standard is irrelevant. The pastor was illustrating that willful sin is not worth it. Especially not to the Christian who will spend their time in sin feeling convicted, knowing that they should not be there. That conviction is the beauty of salvation by grace.

Salvation has affirmed that I am not enough, and liberated me with the truth that I don’t have to be. Culture, as they say, could never.

– Lele M

Fellowship: Common Comfort

At a Fire & Song Event

I am learning that comfort is an illusion. Particularly in the context of ‘comfort zones’.

I consider myself an introvert. I feel spent after an hour in social settings. I need to retreat into my shell for hours to recharge. I prefer time alone with my thoughts. I’m most comfortable in my own space and there are really only 2 or 3 people around whom I truly come alive.

But God is putting me to the test. In seeking his kingdom, I must seek fellowship with his people. In wanting more of Christ, I yearn for connection with believers, and fellowship in the Body. I yearn to venture beyond my comfort zone, and feel rather comfortable in that endeavour. I am having to learn to pursue connections in a way that has upturned my understanding of myself and my introversion.

Most people don’t believe me when I say I’m an introvert. Usually, I would try to convince them otherwise. I would hurry to tell them not to mistake confidence for extroversion, assure them I’ve had years of practice in public speaking, debating, performing arts, etc. Now I just smile a grateful, knowing smile. I’m coming to understand that something bigger is at play. Those aren’t the reasons I don’t pass as an introvert.

It could only be grace – a common comfort.

– Lele M